Use Daddy’s Money

This month marks two years since I officially quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom. I know this life would make some parents absolutely crazy (it does that to me some days, too. Most often on the days where I find myself screaming things like “Daddy’s pliers are not for licking” or “no touching your butthole”). But despite those days, it works for our family and it works for me.

I’ve never been good at work-life balance. One of my companies, in a genuine good faith attempt to make us feel as though we could break away from the job more, referred to balance as “work-life choices” – and that made me laugh because, honestly, I’d choose work every time. I loved my last job so much that I allowed it to be all-consuming. When I laid down in bed at night, I silently problem solved for the day ahead. I’d wake up at 3:30 in the morning genuinely excited that I’d had a breakthrough in my sleep. I’d rush down the hall to my home office and start work while the idea was fresh. Working in the same business – heck, the same hallway – as Nick meant we never really left the work behind when we came home. And I THRIVED on it.

I know there are countless psychology studies that will tell me this was unhealthy. But the truth is I’d personally never felt so strong, so independent, so in charge. I loved working at that level of intensity.

That sense of confidence started to crumble, however, the week I started dry heaving at 5AM every day. My pregnancy with Z knocked the wind out of me. Suddenly I had so little control. I was cutting meetings short to sprint waddle to the bathroom. I couldn’t stay awake at night to knock out all the extra work I’d over ambitiously promised would get done. The ease of jumping on an airplane every two weeks was sidelined by nausea, SPD pelvic pain, and doctor’s visits.

Couple the drastic body and lifestyle changes with a deep-seated knowledge that I wanted to be home with my baby… and I knew I had to quit. My company was incredible. They offered every loop hole, every work-from-home, every part-time option they could dream up. But I know myself – it doesn’t matter if I was scheduled to only work T/W/Th… I’d want to work Mondays and Fridays, and probably Saturday and Sunday as well. I’d go crazy knowing there were colleagues still working and carrying my slack while I got to sit home snuggling a baby. I’d resent my baby for keeping me from my job and I’d resent my job for keeping me from my baby. And that would drive me insane. Way more insane than just quitting outright.

I’m blessed with an incredible husband who didn’t blink twice at the decision. He loves our lifestyle, too! He dives passionately into his job during the day, and when he gets home I have it all taken care of here. When he ends his workday, he drops everything to play with Zary, spend quality time with me, and gets to relax without a list of chores every night. When he gets called in to work unexpectedly, it’s no problem – I have time to fill in the gaps. This works great for us and we never have regretted the choice.

That said, I still miss my job without resenting the choice. It’s intriguing how I continue to identify with my engineering background as an integral part of my personality. And I know that once our kids are all in school, I’m going back. I can’t wait for that day.

It hit me this week that, clearly, Zarrin has no idea that I used to work. I should not have been as surprised as I was. I quizzed her about what she wants to be when she grows up. Doctor? Marine Biologist? Engineer like Daddy? Entrepreneur like Mr. Bear? Business owner like Nana?

“No. Nope. Nah. Be Mommy.”

Heart melted. That’s stinking cute, right? Okay but seriously, kid. You need to do something before that day comes.

I said, “Z, that’s awesome! You’re going to be a great mommy someday. What do you want to do before you become a mommy? How are you going to make money?”

“Use Daddy’s Money!”

Oh sh********t.

I get it. She’s only two. I have plenty of time to fix this. One day she will see mommy go back to work and have a job outside the home. But for now, just know that the career-minded pseudo-feminist hiding inside me is silently screaming. Cheers to having successful, well-balanced, employed female friends for Z to look up to in the meantime!