Two Tooths and a Lie

Christmas season is finally here (it starts the very moment Trick-or-Treating ends), which means my kids are all starting to get concerned about how Santa will bring them presents if we don’t have a chimney. He has a universal key that works on everybody’s front door, FYI.

Nick and my siblings are way too generous with toys for the kids, so “Santa” only brings our girls one present each. That one present always comes from the Lakeshore Learning catalog – that’s where Santa’s elves work in the off season, so he gets first dibs at those toys. We leave milk and cookies and carrots for the reindeer by the front door. On her second Christmas, Zary decided that Santa needed a nice bourbon, too. She picked Blanton’s. Lately she’s also added a Spotted Cow and a hot coffee. Santa is fat, happy, and hammered by the time he gets out of our house. 

I love keeping Santa alive. He’s just believable enough. 

But the Easter Bunny? Killed him off right quick. It was the night before Easter and Mina was losing her shit. She was terrified that a giant rabbit was going to sneak into her bedroom and scare her awake in the dark. After extending bedtime by 30 minutes chock full of tears, I snuck over to Z and whispered “Honey, do you think the Easter Bunny is real?” She laughed, “No, probably not.” Thank goodness. I asked if I could tell Mina the truth and Zary let out a relieved “PLEASE. I just want to go to bed!” 

We explained the gig to Mina, who then cried for an additional 15 minutes because now for some reason she thought mommy was going to put on a giant scary bunny outfit and crawl into bed with her. 

Zary is hard at work wiggling what will be her 3rd lost tooth, and we’re considering whether or not to off the Tooth Fairy, too. The Tooth Fairy’s only batting .500 in our house, anyway. When Z lost her first tooth, I had a handwritten note with glittery sparkles all over it and a little bag of coins that I sneakily hid under her pillow in the middle of the night. When she lost her second tooth, I forgot about it until 4:30 in the morning. I frantically grabbed the only money I could find (a twenty for goodness sakes), scrambled into her room, woke her up on accident grabbing the tooth, and barrel rolled out without getting caught… with the 20 still in my hand. Our day started in tears a few hours later as Z realized there was nothing under her pillow. I had to get really crafty lying that the Tooth Fairy never forgets and that Z must have just not looked hard enough for the money. When she finally “found” her cash that day after school, she cried again because the Tooth Fairy left her paper money and she wanted coins. I traded her for half a handful of pennies and got my Andrew Jackson back. 

While I could probably string Z along for another two to three teeth, I can’t imagine the Tooth Fairy will last one visit with Mina. Kid asks too many questions. She’s already weirded out by what business a little fairy has collecting everyone’s dirty old teeth, and I keep forgetting which lie I told her the last time she asked.  None of my answers even make the whole situation any less creepy. Her days are definitely numbered.

But I really hope Mina doesn’t ask too many questions about Santa this year. Zarrin is a believer, hook line and sinker. And as long as Zary believes, Nick and I have a good enough excuse to keep stocking up on fancy bourbon. Santa has preferences, you know.