Stink, Stank, Stunk

Nick and I go to bed at the same time as each other every night, but he’s usually sawing logs before I even set a foot in the sheets. There’s no way the four women in this house exhaust him that much, right?!

There are lots of steps in order for me to fall asleep. Stand beside the bed and crack every joint in my body. Fix my hair so no single stray wisp touches my neck. Check every baby monitor to make sure everyone is still tucked in [and nobody got kidnapped while I was in the shower and not watching them sleep]. heyooooo, OCD. Set my alarm. Crawl in bed. Put on my carpal tunnel brace because I’m getting old as ****. Get my 12-foot pregnancy pillow wrapped just right around my body (it’s been a permanent fixture in our bed for seven years now. We call her “the boat”). Shut off the light. Realize I need a sip of water. Recheck all the baby monitors in case someone fell out of bed in the 57 seconds since I last checked. Snuggle back into my pillow snake. Say my prayers. Hyper analyze every social interaction I’ve had in the last nine days. Eventually fall asleep while slowly counting to 100 five or six times. 

Nick’s already in his first REM cycle. We are not the same. 

This month I’ve also added an additional step of dousing the room in lavender essential oil spray before bed. Every few nights our room is just shockingly stinky. It’s been a mystery. 

Two nights ago Nick asked me why I was spray bombing the bed. I told him that lavender is supposed to help people relax and fall asleep easily. 

He laughed at me and sarcastically barked, “how’s that working out for you?”

Eye roll. 

“Thanks for asking. Not great. Also, it smells like butthole in here again tonight. So I’m covering it up. Maybe it’s you that stinks?”

Spoiler alert, it wasn’t him. Not exactly. But I’m still gonna find a way to blame him. 

Tonight I walked in the bathroom as Nick was starting the shower. One of our favorite low key boujee perks of our home is these built in space heaters in every bathroom. You never have to shiver getting out of the shower, and never trip over a cord. It’s such a treat. 

Anywho, I walked in just in time to see Nick crank our wall heater up to max, with the full diaper pail sitting directly in front of it. Nick has been blasting the putrid stench of superheated piss all over our room for weeks. 

Mystery solved. Pail has been relocated. No more lavender spray tonight. Saves me 25 seconds from my bedtime routine. Maybe I can pull the covers up before Nick’s first snore tonight! JK. We all know that diaper pail isn’t the only reason I suck at sleep.