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When Nick’s Away the Ghosts Will Play
I don’t believe in ghosts. This is 50% a faith thing – I think we are incapable of comprehending God’s forgiveness. He wants nothing more than to pull all of us into Heaven. And I think that when you finally…
Stink, Stank, Stunk
Nick and I go to bed at the same time as each other every night, but he’s usually sawing logs before I even set a foot in the sheets. There’s no way the four women in this house exhaust him…
Saint Monica, 2.0
Nick and I never fight. I could lie and tell you it’s because we’re totally in sync on every decision. But really, it’s because I’m married to the next patron saint of patience. And I think that over time his…
Two Tooths and a Lie
Christmas season is finally here (it starts the very moment Trick-or-Treating ends), which means my kids are all starting to get concerned about how Santa will bring them presents if we don’t have a chimney. He has a universal key…
Slapping the Bag, in Public.
Kids change us in so many ways. I used to be fun. I used to exercise daily and eat healthy. I was always on time. Ha. Just kidding. Cosmic brownies are life. And if I ever show up on time,…
Green and Gold and Totally Sold
Shuffling around under my sink tonight I found a bottle of volumizing mousse that I haven’t touched since I spontaneously tried competing for Miss Wisconsin USA 10 years ago. For those curious, I did awful. Didn’t even land in the…
Tonsil Terror
Nick just left with the kids for the next hour. He made me promise to not do any work while he’s gone. I’m lying here breaking chunks of Kentucky Bourbon Bellavitano cheese off the block with my bare hands like…
“Type A” Is Just a Nice Way of Saying “Anal”
I’m up late tonight. I need to keep busy for another two hours until kindergarten applications go live “sometime between midnight and 1 AM”. That’s aggressive. Why couldn’t it be 6AM? Or 8? Why an entirely ambiguous range in the…
Terrific Twos
I just don’t understand the hate the Terrible Two’s get. The newborn phase? Exhausting. Threenagers? Daunting. F***ing Fours? The worst. But give me the Terrible Two’s any day. Two-year-olds walk like drunken gnomes, they blabber 50% nonsense and 50% brilliance,…
She Got It From Her Mama
My husband has VERY few faults. But he’s really really really bad at negotiating. He’s just so GRACIOUS that he never thinks to bargain. Quotes for home repairs, new appliances… he just smiles and agrees. When I was pregnant with…