Two Tooths and a Lie
November 10, 2024Christmas season is finally here (it starts the very moment Trick-or-Treating ends), which means my kids are all starting to get concerned about how Santa will bring them presents if we don’t have a chimney. He has a universal key that works on everybody’s front door, FYI. Nick and my siblings are way too generous with toys for the kids, so “Santa” only brings our girls one present each. That one present always comes from the Lakeshore Learning catalog – that’s where Santa’s elves work in the off season, so he gets first dibs at those toys. We leave milk…
Slapping the Bag, in Public.
Kids change us in so many ways. I used to be fun. I used to exercise daily and eat healthy. I was always on time. Ha. Just kidding. Cosmic brownies are life. And if I ever show up on time,…
Green and Gold and Totally Sold
Shuffling around under my sink tonight I found a bottle of volumizing mousse that I haven’t touched since I spontaneously tried competing for Miss Wisconsin USA 10 years ago. For those curious, I did awful. Didn’t even land in the…
Tonsil Terror
Nick just left with the kids for the next hour. He made me promise to not do any work while he’s gone. I’m lying here breaking chunks of Kentucky Bourbon Bellavitano cheese off the block with my bare hands like…
“Type A” Is Just a Nice Way of Saying “Anal”
I’m up late tonight. I need to keep busy for another two hours until kindergarten applications go live “sometime between midnight and 1 AM”. That’s aggressive. Why couldn’t it be 6AM? Or 8? Why an entirely ambiguous range in the…
Terrific Twos
I just don’t understand the hate the Terrible Two’s get. The newborn phase? Exhausting. Threenagers? Daunting. F***ing Fours? The worst. But give me the Terrible Two’s any day. Two-year-olds walk like drunken gnomes, they blabber 50% nonsense and 50% brilliance,…
She Got It From Her Mama
My husband has VERY few faults. But he’s really really really bad at negotiating. He’s just so GRACIOUS that he never thinks to bargain. Quotes for home repairs, new appliances… he just smiles and agrees. When I was pregnant with…
Joy in the Chaos
After Zary was born I was consumed by constant pelvic floor pain, and crippling anxiety from the c-section it eventually led to. My body didn’t feel like mine. I didn’t feel strong or capable enough to take care of my…
Peenees!
I first said this years ago, and now two kids deep my opinion hasn’t budged an inch: Language is my favorite part of child development. Zary didn’t speak until she was two. Mina can string together words and she’s not…
Napping Power
I have a theory about sleep in our family: there’s a limited number of hours available for sleep in this household, and we all have to share them. Balancing the sleep allocation among the kids is a very important and…
Naughty Fishies
Prior to my pregnancy with Mina, Zary knew me to be kind of over the top on fitness and energy. I’d run her to every playground, sometimes 3 or more a day. We might even hit the grocery store on…