She’s a Licker

One of the most satisfying parts of being a mom is accidentally stumbling into genius parenting hacks.  Keep a roll of puppy-poop-bags in your car to hold dirty shoes and diapers. Slip an oversized t-shirt on top of the baby’s sleep sack to prevent little fingers from finding the zipper. Scold your baby for doing something totally bizarre and it’ll pay off during the terrible twos – wait, what? Before you judge, let me explain:  

Zarrin went through a licking phase this year. Maybe all kids do; maybe I’m lucky. Her favorite game is to pretend she’s a puppy dog licking food off her snack tray. A few weeks back, we were out for a walk and she dropped a goldfish cracker on the trail. Cue my little “puppy dog” squatting down to lick it up off a public pathway. I told her no, that’s dirty, etc. She got kind of mad at me, and tried to lick it up again. This time, right next to a giant bird poop. I overreacted (as is my forte) and shrieked at her “DON’T LICK THAT!”  

She had a full-blown meltdown right as a fellow mom walked past, chuckling at me (I swear I heard her mumble “not my circus”). Zary was distraught. She was so pissed at me that she tried to run away. She took off into the tall grass beside the trail and it was up to her hips. It was the slowest, most adorable angry stomping I’d ever seen. It took her three minutes to make it 10 yards. Soon enough the exercise made her forget what she was mad about, she stopped to climb a tree (read: hug a small shrub), and she was all better.

Now it’s April and Zary’s dabbling with the Terrible Twos. Pinching. Skipping naps. Temper tantrums when the Minnie Mouse episode ends. It’s not totally horrendous, but some days it’s hard to keep my patience. Friday, though. Friday was a doozie. Zary was being real naughty, and even more so impatient. I was making lunch and she’s yelling at me to get her a toy she can’t reach. I sternly tell her she’s going to need to just wait and be patient… and my tiny time-bomb explodes. Zary must have been born with some of my vindictiveness because this kid wants revenge. She wants to make me mad, too.

She spins around on her cute little toes, and LICKS the wall. Then scurries back into the kitchen and licks the fridge. Once. Twice. Three times, and stares me down dead in the eyes. She throws her hands up in the air and glares like “SUCK IT, MOM!” At this point I’m ROFL. And then I remember the day on the trail.

Somehow, in Zary’s little mind, I was not scolding the act of licking bird poop. I was scolding “licking” in general. All licking is a heinous crime. The ultimate betrayal. The final stab in a battle of wills.

And honestly? This. Is. Great.

All of Zary’s tantrums now culminate in her licking something totally harmless, and I’m reduced to a puddle, stifling laughter instead of getting mad. Terrible Twos are going to be a breeze. Let’s hope that whenever we have another kid, Nick and I again accidentally scold him/her for doing something totally normal and give ourselves some comic relief during the toddler stage. Ideally, without causing much lasting damage to our child’s social skills. I’d hate to see Zary duke it out in her kindergarten class in a few years. I can just hear the parent-teacher conference now: “Um, Mrs. Ruof… she’s a licker…”